Valentine’s Day is great if you’re in a fresh new relationship and full of excitement and energy, but if you’re single and lonely (in which case, check out our funny pickup lines!) or even in a stale, old relationship then it’s not so great. These funny Valentine’s Day quotes and sayings perfectly sum up both sides of the day.
So whatever your current relationship status, have a laugh and enjoy them!
Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes
Below are 26 of our favorite funny Valentine’s Day quotes:
Valentine’s Day is when a lot of people are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.
Unknown
What I find most disturbing about Valentine’s Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
Lewis Black
Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day.
Jay Leno
Any guy hates Valentine’s Day. Even if you’re in love, you can’t win on Valentine’s Day. If you’re married, you can’t win on Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is like the thing you want to avoid at all costs.
Vince Vaughn
Valentine’s Day: Rubbing singles’ noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time.
Emma McLaughlin
It goes Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s, boom! There’s Valentine’s Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine’s Day just called, “Who could love you?”
Laura Kightlinger
I like to keep Valentine’s dinner light so you don’t crash after and can keep the fun going through the night!
Camilla Alves
I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Robert Orben
The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.
Lewis Black
Last Valentine’s Day, my wife told me I could tie her up and do whatever I wanted, so I tied her up and went and played golf.
Unknown
Oh here’s an idea: let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.
Jimmy Fallon
It was February sixth: eight days until Valentine’s Day. I was dateless, as usual, deep in the vice grip of unrequited love. It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year’s Eve. Now I had to cope with Valentine datelessness, feeling consummate social pressure from every retailer in America who stuck hearts and cupids in their windows by January second to rub it in.
Joan Bauer
I think men and women will both agree that one of the perks of being single on Valentine’s Day is that you get to keep your money in your pocket.
Sevyn Streeter
I’m sentimental about many things: the lumpy feel of a baby’s unused feet, the metallic smell of the air before the first snow, the last scene in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ But Valentine’s Day leaves me cold.
Nancy Gibbs
Valentine’s day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine’s Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone’s like ‘Oh, happy valentine’s day!’ I even got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
Greg Giraldo
This is my saddest story: In grade school, they would have us open our Valentine’s cards and read them out loud. I always sent cards to myself because nobody else did.
William Shatner
The jewellery stores say, “Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,” while wives tell you they love you with, “Ok, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.”
George Lopez
A broke man’s lover doesn’t feel “loved” on her Birthday, Christmas, and, on Valentine’s Day.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine’s Day gift for their mother? Doesn’t that freak you out a little? It’s like, “I don’t know how to break this to you but I think she’s banging your dad!”
Russ Meneve
Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.
Lewis Black
I think they should create a holiday for friends-with-benefits relationships. Because I feel like Valentine’s Day is, maybe it’s a day to stay home and cry.
Elizabeth Meriwether
I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith
The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.
Faye Morgan
I’d never done Valentine’s Day before. We didn’t celebrate it in Catholic School. I understood Valentine’s Day, as a concept. The naked baby shoots you with an arrow and you fall in love.
Trevor Noah
Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.
Melanie White
You’re never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.
Mike Primavera
More Funny Valentine’s Day Humor
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