Quotes can be for motivation, relatability, and humor. Keep things light and fun with funny quotes. They’re guaranteed to make you laugh.
Few things can compete with the positive effects of laughter.
It can relieve stress, boost your mood, and brighten anyone’s day.
One of the best ways to laugh is to read funny quotes. People, literature, and culture are full of hilarious sayings.
The following are the best funny quotes to make you laugh so hard.
Table of Contents
Funny quotes about life
1. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.” -Joan Rivers
2. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” -Mindy Kaling
3. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.” -Jack Handey
4. “Don’t take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” -Elbert Hubbard
5. “When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.” -Rodney Dangerfield
6. “Don’t do cocaine. Don’t race trains. And avoid all AIDS situations.” -Charlie Munger
7. “Knowledge is like underwear. It’s useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” -Bill Murray
8. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” -Margaret Mead
9. “My mother always used to say, the older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” -Betty White
10. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” -Steve Carrell
11. “I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” -Lily Tomlin
12. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” -Betty Reese
13. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” -Tina Fey
14. “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” -Bill Gates
15. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” -Jimmy Kimmel
16. “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” -Abraham Lincoln
17. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” -Jack Whitehall
18. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” -Mark Twain
19. “Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.” -Bill Murray
20. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” -Mitch Herdberg
21. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means follow that path.” -Ellen DeGeneres
22. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” -Leslie Nielsen
23. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” -Jerry Seinfeld
24. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” -Sir Norman Wisdom
25. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” -Jay Leno
Related: What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison?
26. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” -Homer Simpson
27. “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” -Mae West
28. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” -Cathy Guisewite
29. “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” -Jules Renard
Funny quotes about kids and parenting
1. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then, I want to move in with them.” -Phyllis Diller
2. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” -Bill Murray
3. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” -Damien Fahey
4. “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” -Dave Barry
5. “Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” -Nia Vardalos
6. “A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” -Jerry Seinfeld
7. “A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.” -Maurice Johnston
8. “My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” -Shonda Rimes
9. “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” -Carrie Underwood
10. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” -Nora Ephron
11. “Having a child is like getting a tattoo… on your face. You better be committed.” -Elizabeth Gilbert
12. “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” -Ray Romano
13. “I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.” -Jim Gaffigan
14. “Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.” -Marshall McLuhan
15. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” -Reese Witherspoon
16. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” -Bob Hope
17. “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost
18. “The secrets of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” -Lucille Ball
19. “Before kids: Why are they called “throw pillows”? After kids: Oh.” -Jennifer S. White
20. “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” -Lane Olinghouse
Funny quotes about pets
1. “Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.” -Unknown
2. “My fashion philosophy is, if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.” -Elayne Boosler
3. “Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause the most inconvenience.” -Pam Brown
4. “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” -Charles de Gaulle
5. “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” -Ellen Perry Berkeley
6. “I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It’s not. Mine had me trained in two days.” -Bill Dana
7. “I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.” -Bonnie Schacter
8. “Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.” -Christopher Hitchens
9. “Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.” -Sue Murphy
10. “The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.” -Paula Poundstone
11. “If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.” -Phil Pastoret
12. “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” -Derek Bruce
13. “If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.” -Charles Yu
14. “A dog will flatter you, but you have to flatter the cat.” -George Mikes
15. “When Rome burned, the emperor’s cats still expected to be fed on time.” -Seanan McGuire
16. “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does.” -Christopher Morley
17. “In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” -Terry Pratchett
18. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” -Andy Rooney
19. “Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.” -Franklin Jones
20. “My cats inspire me daily. They inspire me to get a dog!” -Greg Curtis
Funny quotes about love and marriage
1. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” -Rita Rudner
2. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” -Jim Carrey
3. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” -Socrates
4. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” -Albert Einstein
5. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” -Will Ferrell
6. “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” -Pauline Thomason
7. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” -Ogden Nash
8. “Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.” -Rory Elder
9. “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.” -Janet Periat
10. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” -Stephanie Ortiz
11. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” -Kathy Mohnke
12. “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” -Jay Trachman
13. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” -Wendy Liebman
14. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” -Dax Shepard
15. “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” -Dr. Joyce Brothers
16. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” -Richard Lewis
17. “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” -Dolly Parton
18. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” -Aldo Cammarota
19. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” -Joan Crawford
20. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” -Rodney Dangerfield
21. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” -George Carlin
Funny quotes about money
1. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” -Joan Rivers
2. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” -Lana Turner
3. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” -Jackie Mason
4. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” -Bob Hope
5. “Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” -John Barrymore
6. “Money often costs too much.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
7. “A fool and his money are soon parted.” -Thomas Tusser
8. “Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” -George Burns
9. “This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.” -Earl Wilson
10. “Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” -Groucho Marx
11. “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” -Woody Allen
12. “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.” -Malcom Forbes
13. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” -Earl Wilson
14. “Too many people spend money to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.” -Will Rogers
15. “If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” -J. Paul Getty
16. “Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.” -Helen Gurley Brown
17. “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” -Quentin Crisp
18. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” -Graham Norton
19. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” -Dorothy Parker
20. “I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet.” -Carrie Bradshaw
Funny quotes about holidays
1. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” -David Letterman
2. “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” -Emma Bombeck
3. “Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.” -Dave Barry
4. “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” -Carol Nelson
5. “Halloween was the best holiday, in my opinion, because it was all about friends, monsters, and candy, rather than family and responsibility.” -Margee Kerr
6. “Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” -P.J. O’Rourke
7. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” -Bill Vaughan
8. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” -Victor Borge
9. “Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, ‘Never take candy from strangers.’ And then they dressed me up and said, ‘Go beg for it.'” -Rida Rudner
10. “For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” -Andy Borowitz
11. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” -Joey Adams
12. “Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.” -Richard Lewis
13. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” -Winston Spear
14. “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” -Bob Phillips
15. “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” -Kin Hubbard
16. “The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” -Julius Sharpe
17. “Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.” -Melanie White
18. “Halloween: the night that fathers get their hearts broken when they see their daughters costume.” -Whitney Cummings
19. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” -Melanie White
20. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” -Gary Allan
Funny quotes about sports
1. “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?” -Neil DeGrasse Tyson
2. “My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and got headed in the right direction.” -Tracy McGrady
3. “I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.” -Muhammad Ali
4. “Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.” -Yogi Berra
5. “We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.” -Bobby Robson
6. “The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level.” -Chuck LaMar
7. “I was such a dangerous hitter I even got intentional walks in batting practice.” -Casey Stengel
8. “Most football players are temperamental. That’s 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.” -Doug Plank
9. “I can dribble with my right hand and I can dribble with my left hand. I’m amphibious.” -Charles Shackleford
Related: Hilarious Lettuce Pray Jokes
Featured image by David Em/Humor Living.
